Help Stop Domestic Violence

I recently completed an 18-week Battering Intervention and Prevention Program (BIPP) at the Domestic Violence Institute of Texas taught by Gregory Kyles, LPC.  I have to say this program has been life changing for my family and I.  This program is currently being offered for men only and most participants are there by court order, following an incident involving domestic violence.

The course covers material that helps the participant take a closer look at battering behaviors which are forms of abuse that aid in destroying relationships, often long before any physical violence ever takes place.  He points out that these behaviors aid in laying the foundation that typically eventually escalate to physical violence.

These behaviors form a pattern of violence, as they play an important part in an overall effort to control someone. As I mentioned, this class is designed for men, thus the language that is used. However, anyone could be guilty of using these behaviors.

 

Power and Control 

• Intimidation - Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.
• Verbal Attacks - Putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, humiliating her, making her feel guilty.
• Isolation - Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions. 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming - Making light of the abuse. Saying it didn't happen. Shifting responsibility for abuse behavior, saying she caused it.
• Using Loved Ones - Attempting to control her by using the loved ones. Using them to relay messages. Using children's visitation to harass her. Threatening to take them away. Calling her a bad mother.
• Abusing Authority - Making all the big decisions. Acting like you are the king and she is your servant. Treating her like a child.
• Economic Control - Refusing to allow her to work. Handling all the finances. Giving her an allowance.
• Coercion & Threats - Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her, to leave or commit suicide.

The following are positive behaviors, based on non-violence and equality in a relationship. These are the behaviors that we are encouraged to work on developing each week in class to replace the negative behaviors mentioned above.

 

Equality

• Non-Threatening Behavior - Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.
• Respect - Listening to her non-judgmentally. Being emotionally understanding, valuing opinions....
• Trust and Support - Supporting her goals in life. Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.
• Honesty - Accepting responsibility for self. Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong, communicating openly and truthfully.
• Responsible Parenting - Sharing parental responsibilities. Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.
• Shared Responsibility - Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. Making family decisions together.
• Economic Partnership - Making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.
• Fairness - Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting change. Being willing to compromise.

While attending this class I was inspired to write the poem "The Anger of Man" which you may have seen in an earlier post.  If not, please take a moment to listen to it.  If it or this post has blessed or ministered to you in some way, I encourage you to share.

 

Upon completing this program I made the following pledge:

 

"I, Herbert Poole, pledge to do everything in my power, every day, to stop domestic violence in my community."

 

I've heard it said, "All that it takes for evil to prosper is for good men to do nothing."  Will you help me keep my pledge, by helping to spread the message?