A Little Boy Inside

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

1 Corinthians 13:11 (NIV)

A broken shell of a man
With a little boy inside
With hurts and wounds
I could no longer hide

- Excerpt from "The Anger of Man"

Most of us have heard the term "man-child" before.  But, as a man, how many of us would be willing to be truthful and transparent enough to admit that this described us?  This was exactly where I was four and a half years ago, when confronted with the harsh reality of my behavior and it's devastating effects upon my wife and children.

Unfortunately, many of us grow up without a good role model before us and no practical example of how to lovingly and productively interact with our spouse or children.  When conflicts arise and things don't go as we want or expect them to, we often result to a default behavior, developed as a child.  Throwing a temper tantrum!

In the aftermath a physical altercation one night, following the escalation of a verbal disagreement, my wife and I found ourselves struggling to pick up the pieces and find the way forward.  It was following a counseling session that she'd had earlier that day, when she mentioned to me that the counselor referred to my tantrums.  I had to catch myself.  My initial feelings were to lash out in anger and rage.  How dare this woman speak of me in that way.  And then, for my wife to come home and repeat such condescending nonsense!

But, it was this very behavior that had brought us to this point.  And, to be honest, the truth hurt!  She had hit the nail on the head and addressing this issue was long overdue.

Most men result to anger and intimidation in order to get their way, when all else fails.  However, this is immature behavior.  This also does not exhibit the love of God to our families.  1 Corinthians 13 also tells us that love is patient, kind and slow to anger.

Over the years I have to come to look more closely at the example Christ has given us, as opposed to the paradigm the world has set before us.  Many men are taught that our wives and children are to submit and obey us, by any means necessary.  However, this is not the example our Lord and Savior has exhibited.  He draws us and woos us with cords of loving kindness.  He came as a servant leader, even though He was God.

May we go on to a place a of maturity, where we don't have to demand our own way.  A place where we can humble ourselves and continue to show love, even when things don't go our way.  May we find peace and rest in knowing that we can accomplish far more by winning the favor and influence in the lives of our wives and children than through brute force.

Bludgeoned, By My Words!

 

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)

Bludgeoned, by my words
But, you see
It never occurred to me
The cruel reality
Of my blind brutality...

But, You have called me
To speak words of life
To bless and not curse
My children and wife
To love them as You did
When You took up Your cross
As a servant leader
Not trying to show who is boss

When most of us think of abuse or domestic violence, we think of some form of physical violence inflicted directly upon another person.  Incidents that we most often hear about involve a husband or father physically assaulting his wife or children.  But, rarely, if ever, do we consider the verbal or emotional abuse that frequently occurs in many homes on a regular basis.

The opening lines of my poem, "The Anger of Man," express the ignorance or blindness that many of us have regarding the depths of the hurts, wounds and lasting devastation that we inflict upon those closest to us.  After all, when confronted, how many of us would acknowledge this as abuse or domestic violence.  Yet, sadly, it is.

As the distance and emotional turmoil within my home began to grow, I struggled with understanding where this was coming from and how it had invaded my family.  It wasn't until things came to a frightening climax that I realized that I might be the source.  If you had asked me previously if there was domestic violence in my home, I would have quickly told you, "No!"

It wasn't until I attended an Anger Management class at the Domestic Violence Institute of Texas that I realized that there was a deeper issue and I needed something more.  It was at this point that I began to acknowledge that I had been abusing my wife and children for years.  This led to me signing up for an 18-week Battering Intervention and Prevention (BIPP) class that helped to transform my life and family.

As men, we are called to be the king and priest of our homes and families.  Yet, for many of us, we've never understood or been properly mentored in being the servant leaders that God has called us to be.  We've been told that our wives and children should respect and obey us.  And, sadly, most of us aim to make that happen "by any means necessary!"

When examining the example modeled by our Lord and Savior, Scripture lets us know that even though He was equal with God, that He humbled Himself and took on the role of a servant.  He loved us and chose to die for us, while we were yet sinners.  Instead of knocking us over the head and making us serve Him, He says, "With loving kindness have I drawn thee."  And, ultimately, after being tortured and hung on a cross to die by the very ones He came to save, He prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

After 25 years of marriage, I have come to understand it is better and much more productive to work to gain influence and favor with my wife and children, than it is to try to dictate to them and demand their unwavering obedience.  1 Corinthians 13 tells us that true love does not demand it's own way and is not easily angered.  It does not keep a record of wrongs and is patient and kind.

Our words have a profound impact in the lives of our loved ones and those around us.  We must not take this responsibility lightly.  Are you choosing to speak life or death into the lives of those around you?