Hurts and Wounds I Could No Longer Hide

Excerpt from "The Anger of Man"

A broken shell of a man
With a little boy inside
With hurts and wounds
I could no longer hide

Many of us go through life struggling with certain things, wondering at various points and time why.  Things that push our buttons or cause us to become paralyzed.  Things that cause us to struggle in our ability to relate to others.  Things that have become toxic and seem to spill out at the most inconvenient times.

If we were all honest, we'd have to admit that none of has had the perfect life.  The repercussions of things that happened during our childhood can have devastating effects upon the rest of our life, if not acknowledged and dealt with appropriately.  But, oftentimes we've buried or repressed these things so deeply that we are no longer able to readily recall them.

When traumatic events occur during childhood, we find various coping mechanisms.  Ways to mask or numb the pain.  Unfortunately, many of us resort to self-destructive behaviors or tendencies.  They may not appear to be destructive at the onset.  But, their long-term effects are negative and usually snowball as time goes on.

As a young boy, growing up in house full of women, I felt abandoned and alone.  Yes, my mother loved me, cared for me and did the best that she could, raising four children as a single mother.  Yet, I longed for my father's affection, affirmation and companionship.

My father and I have had a strained relationship over the years.  He has said some very hurtful things to and about me on numerous occasions.  Though, I have tried to put these things aside and just move on, I've had to acknowledge the depths of their impact and affect upon other areas of my life and relationships.

I've struggled to relate with my own wife and children over the years, as a result.  I've fought to overcome feelings of inadequacy, rejection and depression. I've had to learn that, as a father, I should apologize and ask for forgiveness when I've unnecessarily or unintentionally hurt or done wrong to my wife and children.  And, most importantly, I've learned to value of my need forgive, even when never asked.

Sometimes in order to move forward, it is necessary for us to look back.  We cannot change the past.  But, there are times when we must deal with the hurt and wounds of the past in order to find the healing that we need to continue to grow and connect with those around us in healthy and productive ways.

Thankfully, I found help and healing in the words and loving affirmation of our heavenly Father.  His Word declares to us, in Psalm 68:5 that He is a Father to the fatherless.  As I look back, His faithfulness, provision, protection and favor have been undeniable.

Are there areas in your life where you need the touch of the Great Physician?  He longs to make you whole and bring rest to your weary soul.

A Little Boy Inside

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.

1 Corinthians 13:11 (NIV)

A broken shell of a man
With a little boy inside
With hurts and wounds
I could no longer hide

- Excerpt from "The Anger of Man"

Most of us have heard the term "man-child" before.  But, as a man, how many of us would be willing to be truthful and transparent enough to admit that this described us?  This was exactly where I was four and a half years ago, when confronted with the harsh reality of my behavior and it's devastating effects upon my wife and children.

Unfortunately, many of us grow up without a good role model before us and no practical example of how to lovingly and productively interact with our spouse or children.  When conflicts arise and things don't go as we want or expect them to, we often result to a default behavior, developed as a child.  Throwing a temper tantrum!

In the aftermath a physical altercation one night, following the escalation of a verbal disagreement, my wife and I found ourselves struggling to pick up the pieces and find the way forward.  It was following a counseling session that she'd had earlier that day, when she mentioned to me that the counselor referred to my tantrums.  I had to catch myself.  My initial feelings were to lash out in anger and rage.  How dare this woman speak of me in that way.  And then, for my wife to come home and repeat such condescending nonsense!

But, it was this very behavior that had brought us to this point.  And, to be honest, the truth hurt!  She had hit the nail on the head and addressing this issue was long overdue.

Most men result to anger and intimidation in order to get their way, when all else fails.  However, this is immature behavior.  This also does not exhibit the love of God to our families.  1 Corinthians 13 also tells us that love is patient, kind and slow to anger.

Over the years I have to come to look more closely at the example Christ has given us, as opposed to the paradigm the world has set before us.  Many men are taught that our wives and children are to submit and obey us, by any means necessary.  However, this is not the example our Lord and Savior has exhibited.  He draws us and woos us with cords of loving kindness.  He came as a servant leader, even though He was God.

May we go on to a place a of maturity, where we don't have to demand our own way.  A place where we can humble ourselves and continue to show love, even when things don't go our way.  May we find peace and rest in knowing that we can accomplish far more by winning the favor and influence in the lives of our wives and children than through brute force.

Bludgeoned, By My Words!

 

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)

Bludgeoned, by my words
But, you see
It never occurred to me
The cruel reality
Of my blind brutality...

But, You have called me
To speak words of life
To bless and not curse
My children and wife
To love them as You did
When You took up Your cross
As a servant leader
Not trying to show who is boss

When most of us think of abuse or domestic violence, we think of some form of physical violence inflicted directly upon another person.  Incidents that we most often hear about involve a husband or father physically assaulting his wife or children.  But, rarely, if ever, do we consider the verbal or emotional abuse that frequently occurs in many homes on a regular basis.

The opening lines of my poem, "The Anger of Man," express the ignorance or blindness that many of us have regarding the depths of the hurts, wounds and lasting devastation that we inflict upon those closest to us.  After all, when confronted, how many of us would acknowledge this as abuse or domestic violence.  Yet, sadly, it is.

As the distance and emotional turmoil within my home began to grow, I struggled with understanding where this was coming from and how it had invaded my family.  It wasn't until things came to a frightening climax that I realized that I might be the source.  If you had asked me previously if there was domestic violence in my home, I would have quickly told you, "No!"

It wasn't until I attended an Anger Management class at the Domestic Violence Institute of Texas that I realized that there was a deeper issue and I needed something more.  It was at this point that I began to acknowledge that I had been abusing my wife and children for years.  This led to me signing up for an 18-week Battering Intervention and Prevention (BIPP) class that helped to transform my life and family.

As men, we are called to be the king and priest of our homes and families.  Yet, for many of us, we've never understood or been properly mentored in being the servant leaders that God has called us to be.  We've been told that our wives and children should respect and obey us.  And, sadly, most of us aim to make that happen "by any means necessary!"

When examining the example modeled by our Lord and Savior, Scripture lets us know that even though He was equal with God, that He humbled Himself and took on the role of a servant.  He loved us and chose to die for us, while we were yet sinners.  Instead of knocking us over the head and making us serve Him, He says, "With loving kindness have I drawn thee."  And, ultimately, after being tortured and hung on a cross to die by the very ones He came to save, He prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

After 25 years of marriage, I have come to understand it is better and much more productive to work to gain influence and favor with my wife and children, than it is to try to dictate to them and demand their unwavering obedience.  1 Corinthians 13 tells us that true love does not demand it's own way and is not easily angered.  It does not keep a record of wrongs and is patient and kind.

Our words have a profound impact in the lives of our loved ones and those around us.  We must not take this responsibility lightly.  Are you choosing to speak life or death into the lives of those around you?

Celebrated Or Tolerated?

Who enjoys being somewhere they feel unwelcome?  We all have an inner desire to feel special and celebrated.  This is especially true in a martial relationship and the parent/child relationship.  However, sadly, in many instances we or our loved ones find ourselves left feeling tolerated instead.

Growing up without my father, I found myself wrestling with feelings of anger, rejection and abandonment.  Like many men raised under similar circumstances, I vowed to myself that my children would not be left to grow up in my absence.  What I failed to fully grasp was the fact that more than just my physical presence was required.

Over the years, I patted myself on the back for doing more than my father did for me.  All the while, feelings of resentment and anger had taken root and continued to grow in my heart.  I kept rehearsing in my mind all that I had sacrificed to remain with my wife and children.  And for what, when they didn't even respect or appreciate me?

Coming home from work, the first words my wife and children often heard were my complaints about the way the house looked.  Why weren't the dishes cleaned?  Why wasn't the garbage taken out?  What had been done in my absence without someone checking with me first?  None of this communicated to them that I was happy to see them after being apart all day.  Then, of course, there were the days when my anger and resentment boiled over and my feelings of begin unappreciated and disrespected exploded into a barrage of hurtful, insulting words and tearing things up.

When my wife spoke of leaving me because she felt that I'd be happier without her, I felt that this was just a cop-out or her way of shifting blame.  After all, most people walk away from a marriage because they are the one who is no longer happy.

As my children grew older, I realized that they, too, didn't really want to be around me.  When I'd walk through the door in the evening, they'd escape to their rooms for refuge.  I'd ask if anyone wanted to join me in different activities or accompany me certain places and all I got was crickets.  Really?  Nobody?  Wow!

It wasn't until we sat down as a family for counseling that the walls begin to fall and my wife and children felt safe enough to begin to open up and explain exactly how they felt and why.  Mind you, it was not comfortable hearing these things.  As a matter of fact, my first inclination was to raise my walls of defense and find some way to minimize, deny or blame.

True healing really begin to come during my quiet time and worship, as the Father begin to minister to the deepest parts of my soul.  He begin to show me His example of being a loving Father and companion.

Even in His sacrifice, in spite of our pride, arrogance, disrespect and lack of gratitude, it is with loving kindness that He continues to draw us.  He sings over us and calls us His beloved.  He continues to pursue, draw and woo us.  He's promised to be with us always and love us unconditionally.  In all that He has done for us, regardless of the other idols and lovers that we've given our hearts to, He still assures us that we're welcomed, desired and celebrated.

Overlooking the trivial things in order to communicate my love and admiration to my wife and children has required a conscious and consistent effort on my part.  Sure, there are days when I'm better at this than others.  But, I knew this was necessary to bring about healing and restoration in our lives and let them know that I truly love and value them.  The more I do it, the easier it becomes.  And, over time, I have seen a noticeable change.

The Father often reminds me of what true love looks like by taking me back to the characteristics and behaviors described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

What are you communicating to those closest to you?  Those that you lay down your life for on a regular basis.  Do they know that you love and enjoy them, counting whatever sacrifices you may have to make on their behalf is worth it, because you are worth it?  Or are they left feeling that they're more of a burden to you and that you'd be happier without them?